Rating System

Snob Rating System

5 Snobs (A+): An out of body experience, worthy of man-tears, standing ovation alone in your living room

4 Snobs (B): Actually buy a movie ticket, I now have hope for humanity, You may need to see it again

3 Snobs (C): Found a dollar so lets do a rental, Better than cable or reading a book, Its 2 a.m. so now what

2 Snobs (D):  My toddler can write a better script, The actors must have been scene setters in junior high plays, Did something just happen or was that a fart

1 Snob (F-): I’d rather listen to a screaming baby for 2 hours, put me out of my misery, if you enjoyed this movie you have no soul

Genre Rating System

Aside from the obvious such as acting, plot, and entertainment value, the other factors below add up on the scorecard by genre

Drama

Originality: 1 – Same old sob story     5– An untold gem
Cinematography: 1 – Strait shots and melancholy pace     5 – Did you put something in my drink
Characters: 1 – Off the assembly line     5 – What an eclectic bunch

Comedy

Originality:  1 – Another American Pie     5 – Well that was unexpected
Pace:  1 – Chuckle here and there     5 – My face hurts
Ending: 1 – Ends in a drama-dy     5 – Keeps you laughing to the end

Action

Originality: 1 – All special effects, period     5 – That didn’t feel like 120 minutes
Pace: 1 – Its action not drama     5 – Waves of uncertainty
Believability:  1 – Physics isn’t a law really     5 – Yes, a fall from that high will kill you

Sci-fi/Fantasy

Originality: 1 – Great another spaceship fight     5 – Am I really myself, or in an alternate universe?
Dialogue: 1 – The plagatonic mantrometer is untrekable     5 – I will use real words so you can understand me
Believability/Creativity: 1 – Futuristic humans now speak like robots or are mostly robots     5 – A new take on time and ultimate universes that actually take into account physics

Crime/Thriller

Intrigue: 1 – Seen this one a million times before 5 – How the hell is this going to play out, the anticipation is killing me
Predictability: 1 – They took a loved one before act 3, didn’t see that one coming 5 – The man he was looking for was himself
The Killer/Suspect: 1 – He’s one step ahead of these idiots but he aint fooling me 5 – I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti

Suspense/Horror

Originality: 1 – The sequel to a remake of a classic     5 –  I can’t even relate it to another film
Blood/Gore: 1 – Overabundance of blood for the use of blood     5 – Creative and unexpected kills/deaths
Fear Factor: 1 – Overuse of pop-ups, slow panning cameras, and screams     5 – No suspense music is even used, and I still cant breathe

Romance

 Originality: 1 – A movie that uses the name of the holiday for the title     5 – She would end up with him, that’s fairly realistic
Deeper meaning: 1 – They hated each other, but then fall in love     5 – A morbid teenager and fun-loving late-aged woman fall in love
Comedic Value:  1 – Fart jokes     5 – I can’t believe this happened, poor grandma

Children/Family

Message:  1 – Everything always works out perfectly     5 – Sometimes life happens and you have to figure it out yourself
Adult Viewers: 1 – Do they ever stop singing these terrible songs?!     5 – I can’t believe they snuck that in there
Special Effects/CG: 1 – Is that a painted background?     5 – Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Documentary

Originality: 1 – Another Food/Angry Liberal Doc 5 – Gripping, raw, and view altering
Flow: 1 – Meaningless information and obvious filler 5 – Fluid and perfect editing
Anticipation/Suspense: 1 – When is this going to be over 5 – Keeps me guessing throughout

WILD CARDS

B-Movie/Sattire

These travesties are graded by the campy feel, cult classic appeal, over-acting, ridiculousness, flamboyant effects, characters, costumes.  It can be so bad that is actually great and reluctantly entertaining.

Zombie

These undead creations are marked by the original zombie type/story, zombie kill creativity, gore factor, Zombie make-up/effects.  Also note this will be scored based on if it is a major motion picture or a low-budget zombie flick.

Cage Face

These Nicholas Cage film reviews will be graded mainly by how many ridiculous cage faces he makes but also by: story progression, how many times he is yelling or crying, how terrible his hair looks, how many times you laughed at his antics, and even though he was most likely trying to play a serious role how pathetic he was throughout.